The Frownlow Medal

The NRL plan to restart its competition with its players and staff in an isolated scenario is being hailed as a world first, but the proposal to gather footballers in one place was first suggested late last year by The Frownlow Medal.

League bosses are hoping to resume playing in late May with all players and staff living, training and playing in a fully self-contained location, with no crowds. This idea was first floated by The Frownlow Medal as a remedy for the damaging publicity suffered when players created scandals on Mad Monday.

The Frownlow Medal is awarded to the player whose off-field demeanour epitomises the values of the modern-day footballer and draws attention to the status of footballers as role models to young Australians. It covers Australia’s four major football codes; the National Rugby League (NRL), Australian Football League (AFL), the A-League (Football) and Rugby Union’s Super Rugby competition. NRL player Shaun Kenny-Dowall won the inaugural medal in 2015, while NRL player Ben Barba is the most recent recipient.

The Frownlow Medal Hall of Fame honours former players and players who received media attention in previous seasons, for similarly scandalous behaviour, and its inductees include Ben Cousins and Julian O’Neill.

Under the Frownlow proposal, Mad Monday celebrations for the four major codes would be held in one giant warehouse in an undisclosed location away from the public eye and, more importantly, away from the scrutiny of the media.

The Frownlow Mad Monday celebration would also offer footballers the following benefits:

• Unlimited alcohol. Supplied by the companies which sponsor teams and representative fixtures. No RSA, No lockout laws.
• Unlimited access to sports gambling. Their own competition is over, so they’re free to bet on other sports. Players granted free accounts and credit by the same companies which sponsor their stadiums and flood TV screens with advertisements during games.
• Ladies, ladies, ladies. Free strippers to entertain the players. Free ‘ladies of the night’ and a bevy of groupies or women with terribly low self esteem who seek legitimacy on the arms of a footballer. Certain players will have access to schoolgirls, provided they are above the age of consent. Remember, it’s not cheating on Mad Monday.
• Dark corners. For enjoying the company of aforementioned women in privacy.
• Bright corners. For enjoying the company of aforementioned women in the company of teammates.
• Nudie runs, for any player who did not score during the season.
• Nudie runs, for any player who did score during the regular season.
• Porn. Endless streaming of a large variety of porn on TV screens bigger than the scoreboard at the old SFS.
• Lawyers. Just in case.
• Ben Cousins.
• Burn phones. Untraceable phones with unlimited data. Sexting, yes, online gambling, yes, naked photos, yes, sex tapes, yes. Every abuse of an electronic device possible.
• Drugs. Snort it, smoke it, sniff it, inject it, pop it – is there any other way to enjoy drugs? If not, invent it, it’s Mad Monday.
• Tattoo parlour. Because every footballer needs more tattoos.
• Wife beating.
• Ben Cousins
• Golden showers.
• Slap the taxi.
• Bare knuckle boxing, known in the real world as assault.
• Flashing
• Wife swapping
• Poo in a shoe
• Open mic comp. Featuring racism, sexism, homophobia, misogyny and every other form of offensive language Sam Newman regards as comedy.
• Ben Cousins.
• Drunken Go Kart races.
• Video Games.
• Bestiality.
• Live cross to past footballers who are now in prison.
• Guns
• Knives
• Drive by shootings.
• All this and more in one mighty bonding session

One mighty hangover.

Image: NuNa