Collingwood players should act like white people.

Collingwood Football Club once told AFL players of colour that they should act like white people if they wanted to be accepted in the sport and in Australian society.

Collingwood was accused of racism in 1993 when its fans racially abused St Kilda player Nicky Winmar during a game. In response, former club president, the late Allan McAlister, said of indigenous players,

”As long as they conduct themselves like white people, well, off the field, everyone will admire and respect … As long as they conduct themselves like human beings, they will be all right. That’s the key.”

But which white people should they emulate?

The following list includes the names of 22 white players or coaches from the Magpies, as well as the actions which make them perfect role models:

Damian Monkhorst

Racially abused indigenous player Michael Long during a game against St Kilda in 1995.

Brian Taylor

Refused to change the way he pronounced the name of player Orazio Fantasia while commentating for Channel 7, arguing that;

“We don’t pronounce Italian names in the full Italian way. We pronounce it with the Australianism in it, and that’s how we’ll continue to do it.”

This, despite the fact that Fantasia himself asked Taylor to pronounce his name differently.

Heath Shaw (Rat Pack 1)

Crashed into a parked car while driving drunk and then lied about the incident to the media. Suspended from AFL for gambling on matches, and detained by police for drunken behaviour in public.

Chris Tarrant (Rat Pack 2)

Allegedly punched ALP politician Damien Hale after the politician confronted Tarrant about his behaviour in a Darwin nightclub in 2007. Tarrant had apparently showed his backside to a woman at the club. Fined $5000 and handed a three-match suspension. Fined $5000 by the Magpies in 2006 for breaking the players’ code of conduct after a fight at a nightclub in Port Melbourne.

Ben Johnson (Rat Pack 3)

Charged with recklessly causing injury and unlawful assault after he tangled with teammate Chris Tarrant during a drunken brawl outside a Melbourne hotel in 2006.

Alan Didak (Rat Pack 4)

Proven links to criminals. Lied about his involvement in the Heath Shaw drink driving incident. Linked to the Melbourne CBD shooter, and the subject of an expose in a book by his ex-girlfriend Cassie Lane.

Dane Swan (Rat Pack 5)

Flasher 1

Sent naked selfies to an unknown woman. Selfies were published in a women’s magazine. Broke a club-imposed booze ban. Scuffled with a security guard in Federation Square. Admitted to illicit drug use…after retiring from football…while trying to promote a book. Caught drink driving. His Humpday podcast was axed after he and Scott Cummings made jokes about issues of sexual assault and mistreatment of women.

Travis Cloke

Flasher 2

Sent naked selfies to an unknown woman. Selfies were published in a women’s magazine.

Nathan Buckley (coach) and Brent Sanderson (assistant coach)

Buckley and Sanderson played a seemingly innocent game of tennis which was in breach of the AFL’s COVID-19 bio-security protocols in 2020, and the Collingwood coaches were served a $25,000 fine and forced to self-isolate for 24 hours.

Jordan de Goey

Blamed his dog.

Injured his hand during a late-night incident at a nightclub. Lied to his club, said he hurt his hand while playing with his dog. Made coach Nathan Buckley front the media and repeat the lie. Claimed alcohol was not a factor. Banned for 3 games, fined $5000, ordered to do community service. Arrested for drink driving, fined $10000 and suspended. Accused of assaulting a woman in 2015.

Lachie Keefe and Josh Thomas

Banned from AFL for use of performance enhancing drugs and illicit substances.

Jamie Elliott

One of the Frownlow urinators.

Arrested for urinating into a rubbish bin in North Melbourne in 2017 after enjoying himself too much at Derby Day.

Scott Cummings

His Humpday podcast was axed after he and Dane Swan made jokes about issues of sexual assault and mistreatment of women. The controversy also cost Cummings his role as AFL commentator on radio station 3AW.

Heath Scotland

Involved in a brawl which left one man unconscious at the Mulwala Ski Club near Yarrawonga. Formally charged with common assault, assault occasioning bodily harm and violent disorder. Given a two-year good behaviour bond without conviction. Also avoided conviction for an assault charge in 2005.

Steele Sidebottom and Lynden Dunn

Sidebottom and Dunn breached COVID-19 protocols after sharing an Uber and visiting the home of a Collingwood Magpies staff member in 2020. Sidebottom was seen near the staff member’s house the next morning and had to be driven home by police.

Jaidyn Stephenson

Banned for 10 matches after it was discovered he had bet on AFL games. Missed the remainder of the home and away season. Apparently bet on three games in which he was playing, and was also fined $20,000.

Quentin Lynch

Charged with drink driving, reckless driving and leaving the scene of an accident in 2004 after failing to stop at a random breath test.

Ryan Cook

Fractured the eye socket of a man and left him with 10 shattered facial bones during a fight at a pub in country Victoria in 2009. Fined $3500.

Sam Murray

Banned from AFL for 18 months for testing positive to cocaine. Claims he didn’t intentionally touch the cocaine.

These fine young men of Collingwood FC have all been nominated for The Frownlow Medal or The Frownlow Medal Hall of Fame. Scotland was inducted into the hall of fame in 2020.

The Frownlow Medal is awarded to the player whose off-field demeanour epitomises the values of the modern-day footballer and draws attention to the status of footballers as role models to young Australians. It covers Australia’s four major football codes; the National Rugby League (NRL), Australian Football League (AFL), the A-League (Football) and Rugby Union’s Super Rugby competition. NRL player Shaun Kenny-Dowall won the inaugural medal in 2015, while AFL player Elijah Taylor is the most recent recipient.

The Frownlow Medal Hall of Fame honours former players and players who received media attention in previous seasons, for similarly scandalous behaviour, and its inductees include Ben Cousins and Julian O’Neill.

These are the men indigenous players should aim to be like.

Image: NuNa

Margaret Court denied Australia’s highest honour.

Controversial tennis star Margaret Court has been ruled ineligible for the greatest prize in Australia on the eve of the country’s national day of celebration. Court and her supporters are furious that she will never win The Frownlow Medal or be inducted into The Frownlow Medal Hall of Fame despite a lifetime of bigoted public statements.

The Frownlow Medal is awarded to the player whose off-field demeanour epitomises the values of the modern-day footballer and draws attention to the status of footballers as role models to young Australians. It covers Australia’s four major football codes; the National Rugby League (NRL), Australian Football League (AFL), the A-League (Football) and Rugby Union’s Super Rugby competition. NRL player Shaun Kenny-Dowall won the inaugural medal in 2015, while AFL player Elijah Taylor is the most recent recipient.

The Frownlow Medal Hall of Fame honours former players and players who received media attention in previous seasons, for similarly scandalous behaviour, and its inductees include Ben Cousins and Julian O’Neill.

Conservative commentators have slammed the decision and attacked the judges of The Frownlow Medal for pandering to woke, left-wing, latte sipping, inner-city progressives.

“This is a disgrace,” blasted her supporters.

“Margaret Court deserves to win the Frownlow or be in the hall of fame, but she hasn’t even been nominated. Israel Folau got nominated twice for his homophobia, and heaps of players from NRL, AFL and Rugby were nominated just for ‘liking’ his comments on social media, but Margaret got nothing,” they argued.

“The simple fact is that if Margaret was a footy player, she’d be in the hall of fame for sure.”

As a tennis player, Court won numerous grand slams and is Australia’s most successful player. Since retiring, however, she has regularly made the news for grossly intolerant statements which are completely out of touch with modern Australian society.

Court’s controversial statements are many, and are targeted especially at gay and lesbian relationships, due to her strong religious beliefs. She once wrote a letter to the editor of a newspaper lamenting the decision of fellow Aussie tennis player Casey Dellacqua to have a child within a same-sex relationship.

“It is with sadness that I see that this baby has seemingly been deprived of a father,” she wrote.

Court has also been quoted as saying that transgender children are the work of the devil, and she was branded a racist and a homophobe by fellow tennis legend Martina Navratilova. Further comments linked childhood gender dysphoria to Hitler and communism, and praised the apartheid system of South Africa.

“Even her racism didn’t get her nominated,” stated her supporters. “So many footy players have been nominated for racist comments but again Margaret got nothing from The Frownlow Medal.”

Frownlow judges reminded Court’s supporters that the award is only open to footballers, not tennis players. Instead, the Christian pastor will have to content herself with the Officer of the Order of Australia she already holds, and the upgraded Companion of the Order of Australia she will receive on January 26.

Image: NuNa

AFL finally defeats the NRL.

The AFL has claimed bragging rights over the NRL after Elijah Taylor won The Frownlow Medal in 2020 and broke the NRL dominance of the award. Taylor was found guilty of physically assaulting his partner, and for smuggling the same woman into the team’s hotel in breach of strict COVID-19 protocols.

The Frownlow Medal is awarded to the player whose off-field demeanour epitomises the values of the modern-day footballer and draws attention to the status of footballers as role models to young Australians. It covers Australia’s four major football codes; the National Rugby League (NRL), Australian Football League (AFL), the A-League (Football) and Rugby Union’s Super Rugby competition.

NRL players have dominated the medal since Shaun Kenny-Dowall won in 2015. He handed the mantle to NRL colleagues Corey Norman and Tim Simona, before Ben Barba won in 2019. Karmichael Hunt claimed the prize in 2018, but he played NRL and Super Rugby as well as AFL, so Taylor’s victory gives the AFL its first outright medallist.

The AFL is understandably proud of its maiden victory, but may have to temper celebrations for 2021. The first five nominees for the 2021 award are all NRL players, and they will be very hard to beat. Jarryd Hayne, Jack de Belin, Tristan Sailor and Jamil Hopoate all face charges of violence against women, and should have their legal proceedings completed this year. Manase Fainu is also awaiting the outcome of his court case, for allegedly stabbing a man outside a church dance.

Super Rugby has one victory, courtesy of Hunt, while the A-League has never won the award, and only recorded a handful of nominations in six years.

The NRL is heavily favoured to re-establish its dominance in 2021, but a year is a long time in football, and professional footballers are capable of getting themselves into all sorts of scandals off the field. So, can the AFL win the most prestigious award in Australian sport for a second year running?

Image: NuNa