Jordan de Goey did not assault his dog.

AFL player Jordan de Goey has staunchly denied any allegation that he sexually assaulted his dog. He may or may not have assaulted a woman in 2015, but he certainly did not assault his dog.

The recent allegations against de Goey relate to an incident concerning a woman in 2015, which have only now come to light, and have earned the Collingwood player his third nomination for The Frownlow Medal.

The Frownlow Medal is awarded to the player whose off-field demeanour epitomises the values of the modern-day footballer and draws attention to the status of footballers as role models to young Australians. It covers Australia’s four major football codes; the National Rugby League (NRL), Australian Football League (AFL), the A-League (Football) and Rugby Union’s Super Rugby competition. NRL player Shaun Kenny-Dowall won the inaugural medal in 2015, while NRL player Ben Barba is the most recent recipient.

De Goey is presumed innocent until a verdict is reached, so we don’t know if he assaulted the woman. What is certain is that he did not assault his dog, because he owes his dog big time. The dog in question is the one de Goey blamed for injuring his hand and missing a number of games a few years ago. The hand injury earned de Goey his first Frownlow nomination because it later emerged that de Goey had actually injured it in an incident at a nightclub. He just didn’t tell the truth to anyone, not even coach Nathan Buckley, who was forced to tell the dog story to the media and stick up for his player in front of the cameras.

De Goey’s second Frownlow nomination came after a drink-driving incident, but was also not enough to win the prestigious medal. Will it be third time lucky?

An allegation of sexual assault is a very serious allegation and infinitely more serious than the Tik Tok videos and social distancing breaches which have earned other footballers Frownlow nominations in recent weeks. However, even if found guilty of sexual assault, this may not be enough to guarantee de Goey The Frownlow Medal this year. Both Jack de Belin and Jarryd Hayne are still waiting for their sexual assault cases to be heard, so the fight for the Frownlow will be very tough in 2020.

To borrow a cliche, a week is a long time in footy, so a year is a very long time – and that is why de Goey will have to wait patiently to see if he has done enough to win The Frownlow Medal.

Image: NuNa

Football codes purchase sex dolls for players.

No one has ever been arrested for raping a sex doll, so major football codes in Australia have purchased a large quantity of the dolls to keep their players out of off-field scandals.

The directors of the various governing bodies will provide the dolls for post-game celebrations in order to prevent any more of their players from being charged with sexual harassment, indecent behaviour and sexual assault, offences which have seen many players nominated for The Frownlow Medal.

The Frownlow Medal is awarded to the player whose off-field demeanour epitomises the values of the modern-day footballer and draws attention to the status of footballers as role models to young Australians. It covers Australia’s four major football codes; the National Rugby League (NRL), Australian Football League (AFL), the A-League (Football) and Rugby Union’s Super Rugby competition. NRL player Shaun Kenny-Dowall won the inaugural medal in 2015, while NRL player Ben Barba is the most recent recipient.

The Frownlow Medal Hall of Fame honours former players and players who received media attention in previous seasons, for similarly scandalous behaviour, and its inductees include Ben Cousins and Julian O’Neill.

“Many footballers struggle in their interactions with women,” stated a spokesperson for the major football codes.

“Despite being fully-grown adults who have sat through countless educational sessions on the appropriate way to interact with women in many different contexts, they consistently involve themselves in incidents which see women mistreated, sometimes severely. Of course, the women often complain and this creates negative publicity for the code and problems for the welfare of the player.”

“Sex dolls are the perfect solution for a number of reasons,” the spokesperson elaborated.

“They don’t get pregnant, so you don’t have to hire someone to threaten or bribe them if you don’t want to raise your unborn child, or force the women to have an abortion.”

“You also don’t have to pay child support.”

“You don’t have to ply them with alcohol or drugs to get them to do what you want, and you can film yourself and release the video on social media because they won’t complain. We will also supply enough dolls to allow players to conduct group bonding sessions with their teammates.”

“Also, you don’t have to worry about them being underage or still at school”

“Most importantly, sex dolls will never speak up or take you to court. In this way, we can continue to promote footballers as great role models to children.”

The move was inspired by FC Seoul, a football club in South Korea, which attracted international attention for dressing up sex dolls as fans and placing them in an empty stadium during the coronavirus restrictions. Football organisations in Australia have for years been searching for ways to fill their stadiums, and leapt at the chance to kill two birds with one stone.

Reports also indicate that the sex dolls in Seoul were holding up signs advertising x-rated websites, but this is not a practice the Australian governing bodies would permit.

“Never, that is completely unacceptable,” stated the spokesperson.

“Pornography can become an addiction which can cause people to lose their money and their jobs, as well as their friends. It can leave children with no food to eat and can tear families apart. In Australia, the dolls would instead be advertising sports gambling companies.”

Incidents of violence against women involving players have become a common problem for Australia’s major football codes, and have seen many players nominated for The Frownlow Medal. Two NRL players who have played at the highest level of the game are still awaiting trial for alleged sexual assault, and The Frownlow Medal Hall of Fame is full of players who have earned induction for mistreating women.

Now that players will be supplied with sex dolls, governing bodies expect no more uncomfortable headlines or lengthy court cases.

Image: NuNa

Scott Cummings and Dane Swan to host a brand new podcast.

Former AFL players Scott Cummings and Dane Swan will return to the airwaves with a new podcast called ‘Dirty Ditties’.

The exciting podcast promises side-splitting humour plus a summary of the off-field exploits which have earned footballers nominations for The Frownlow Medal and The Frownlow Medal Hall of Fame.

The Frownlow Medal is awarded to the player whose off-field demeanour epitomises the values of the modern-day footballer and draws attention to the status of footballers as role models to young Australians. It covers Australia’s four major football codes; the National Rugby League (NRL), Australian Football League (AFL), the A-League (Football) and Rugby Union’s Super Rugby competition. NRL player Shaun Kenny-Dowall won the inaugural medal in 2015 and code-swapper Karmichael Hunt was the most recent recipient.

The Frownlow Medal Hall of Fame honours former players and players who received media attention in previous seasons, for similarly scandalous behaviour, and its inductees include Ben Cousins and Julian O’Neill.

Dirty Ditties will replace the Humpday podcast which was axed after Swan and Cummings were heard making jokes about issues of sexual assault and mistreatment of women. The controversy also cost Cummings his role as AFL commentator on radio station 3AW.

“It’s all good fun,” the duo said of their new podcast.

“Assaulting women, slapping taxi drivers, public nudity, robbery, alcohol and gambling addiction, sex tapes and good old bar fights are are all just harmless fun, so is getting drunk and throwing your shoes at horses during a harness race. This is exactly what we’ll be celebrating in Dirty Ditties,” explained Cummings.

“If anyone thinks that’s not humour, they can fuck off,” added Swan.

Cummings, the 1999 Coleman Medallist, earns his first hall of fame nomination, while Swan is well known to Frownlow judges after naked photos of him ended up in a women’s magazine, he broke a booze ban, he admitted to illicit drug use and was once caught drink driving.

The Dirty Ditties podcast can be downloaded from iTunes and Google Play, or wherever you get your podcasts. Meanwhile,Cummings is being considered for the role of master of ceremonies for the grand awards night for The Frownlow Medal and The Frownlow Medal Hall of Fame later this year.

Image: NuNa