Scott Morrison to pay Josh Dugan’s fine.

Prime Minister Scott Morrison will pay Josh Dugan‘s fine after the Sharks veteran was caught breaching COVID protocols.

Dugan earned yet another nomination for The Frownlow Medal when he was caught dining in a restaurant in Sydney recently, in contravention of the NRL COVID-19 bio-security protocols. The ageing centre was fined $25,000 and the prime minister has promised to reach into his own pocket to cover the fine.

The Frownlow Medal is awarded to the player whose off-field demeanour epitomises the values of the modern-day footballer and draws attention to the status of footballers as role models to young Australians. It covers Australia’s four major football codes; the National Rugby League (NRL), Australian Football League (AFL), the A-League (Football) and Rugby Union’s Super Rugby competition. NRL player Shaun Kenny-Dowall won the inaugural medal in 2015, while AFL player Elijah Taylor is the most recent recipient.

Dugan was initially shocked at such a generous offer from the leader of the nation, despite the fact that Morrison is the club’s number one ticket holder.

“Yeah, nah mate, I couldn’t believe it,” Dugan explained.

“But then Scotty told me why. He said he loves the Sharks. Well, he loves them now, he grew up in the Eastern Suburbs so he’s probably a Roosters fan, but anyway. He goes to all our games and stuff, but said he paid my fine for a different reason.”

“He said he kind of feels like it’s his fault that I got fined. See, he handles all that COVID vaccination stuff, because he’s the PM, and it’s been a real shambles. He said that if more people in Australia had been vaccinated by now, pretty much everyone could go to restaurants whenever they want. We wouldn’t all be in lockdown and you wouldn’t get fined just for going out for dinner with a mate.”

“So, I said, yeah, that makes sense – thanks for the money Scotty.”

Dugan will also have to stay away from the Cronulla team for a fortnight, and Morrison is expected to join him in his period of isolation.

“We’ll sit on the roof in bean bags and drink Bacardi Breezers, cos that’s the kind of classy guy that Scotty is.”

Image: NuNa

Tony Williams recruits Jenny Morrison.

Former NRL player Tony Williams has appointed Jenny Morrison as his empathy coach after he lost his playing contract for publicly defending Jarryd Hayne. Williams defended the convicted rapist and has sought the assistance of the prime minister’s wife to repair his public image.

Williams earned a nomination for The Frownlow Medal Hall of Fame after he defended Hayne and attacked the victim on Instagram.

The Frownlow Medal is awarded to the player whose off-field demeanour epitomises the values of the modern-day footballer and draws attention to the status of footballers as role models to young Australians. It covers Australia’s four major football codes; the National Rugby League (NRL), Australian Football League (AFL), the A-League (Football) and Rugby Union’s Super Rugby competition. NRL player Shaun Kenny-Dowall won the inaugural medal in 2015, while AFL player Elijah Taylor is the most recent recipient.

The Frownlow Medal Hall of Fame honours former players and players who received media attention in previous seasons, for similarly scandalous behaviour, and its inductees include Ben Cousins and Julian O’Neill.

“I need Jenny Morrison to teach me how to respect women,” explained Williams.

“Scott Morrison showed no respect for women when there was all that news about harassment in parliament house and stuff, but then he spoke to Jenny and he said it changed his mind.”

“I’ve already met with Jenny once and the first thing she said to me is that I’ve got a wife and two daughters, just like Scott. I’d forgotten about that when I put that post about Jarryd on Instagram. After Jenny told me that I have to think about my own wife and daughters, I posted another message apologising to everyone.”

The former Test player then explained that Jenny reminded him that it’s impossible for men to respect women if they don’t have a wife or daughters. She also pointed out to ‘T-Rex’ that the only people who do respect women are devout Christians, like Jarryd, Scott, Krisnan Inu and Williams himself.

Williams and Jenny also discussed the famous Aussie value of mateship, and how that can justify public comments defending someone sentenced to five years in prison.

“Jenny reminded me that Scott defended his mate, Christian Porter, when he was accused of rape, and that it’s ok to ignore the female victim if the alleged attacker is your mate.”

Image: NuNa

Should Aussie politicians be eligible for The Frownlow Medal?

Judges of The Frownlow Medal are being pressured to nominate Australian politicians for The Frownlow Medal after revelations that the nation’s leaders commit as many scandals as professional footballers.

The Australian media is reporting a new political scandal on an almost daily basis for acts that would automatically earn a Frownlow nomination for a footballer.

The Frownlow Medal is awarded to the player whose off-field demeanour epitomises the values of the modern-day footballer and draws attention to the status of footballers as role models to young Australians. It covers Australia’s four major football codes; the National Rugby League (NRL), Australian Football League (AFL), the A-League (Football) and Rugby Union’s Super Rugby competition. NRL player Shaun Kenny-Dowall won the inaugural medal in 2015, while AFL player Elijah Taylor is the most recent recipient.

The Frownlow Medal Hall of Fame honours former players and players who received media attention in previous seasons, for similarly scandalous behaviour, and its inductees include Ben Cousins and Julian O’Neill.

“The requests are justified,” stated Frownlow judges.

“Politicians are behaving as badly as footballers, and sometimes even worse, and lately there have been more politicians than footy players committing these deplorable acts. What’s more, most politicians are escaping any form of punishment, while footballers have been suspended, kicked out of their sport or heavily fined. For that reason, judges will seriously consider opening up the most prestigious award in Australian sport to the nation’s leaders.”

At the time of writing, senior state and federal politicians who would qualify for The Frownlow Medal or The Frownlow Medal Hall of Fame are:

Christian ‘not guilty’ Porter

Stuart ‘robodebt’ Robert

Linda ‘in my defence’ Reynolds

Michael ‘the sexter’ Johnsen

Teena ‘harass me’ McQueen

Adem ‘branch stacker’ Somyurek

Michael ‘branch stacker’ Sukkar

Kevin ‘branch stacker’ Andrews

Alan ‘wingman’ Tudge

Pauline ‘please explain’ Hanson

Matt ‘coal dust’ Canavan

David with Little to be Proud of

Michelle ‘good bloke’ Landry

Bridget ‘sports rorts’ Mckenzie

Dave ‘pink roses’ Sharma

Josh ‘ASIC’ Frydenberg

Greg ‘world’s best minister’ Hunt

Michaelia ‘AFP’ Cash

Sussan ‘treehugger’ Ley

Gladys ‘I spy’ Liu

Andrew ‘the feminist’ Laming

George ‘Filipino’ Christensen

Tony ‘knighthood’ Abbott

Arthur ‘ICAC’ Sinodinos

Joe ‘MAGA’ Hockey

Eric ‘silly girl’ Abetz

Bronwyn ‘choppergate’ Bishop

Peter ‘the boat stopper’ Dutton

Joel ‘the loyal’ Fitzgibbon

Daryl ‘Gladys’ boyfriend’ Maguire

Sam ‘China’ Dastyari

Angus ‘grassgate’ Taylor

Mathias ‘economy class’ Cormann

Barnaby ‘the faithful’ Joyce

Gladys ‘koala killer’ Berejikilian

“We could even go back as far as Sir Joh Bjelke Petersen or John Howard,” declared Frownlow judges.

“What’s also exciting about including politicians is that it would bring us our first female Frownlow nominee. Female footballers are eligible for the medal, but they are yet to commit an off-field scandal. Of course, Scott Morrison would also earn a nomination because, as prime minister, he has failed to take decisive action against any of his scandalous colleagues.”

While the list of corrupted politicians is long, judges stressed that other factors would need to be taken into consideration before politicians could be included in Australia’s most sought-after award:

Should sport and politics mix?

Is it fair to footballers?

Are there too many politicians committing scandals – and can Frownlow judges keep up with all of the scandals?

How many political scandals are covered up?

Should Rupert Murdoch be nominated?

Should Gina Rinehart be nominated?

Would any politicians be left?

Image: NuNa