Legalade, the perfect drink for the wayward footballer.

Legalade is a sports drink with a difference. The latest addition to the highly-competitive sports drink market improves a players off-field performance and is set to take the sports world by storm.

While existing sports drinks such as Powerade, Lucozade, Gatorade and Staminade claim to improve a player’s on-field performance, none of them provide off-field support like Legalade. As such, players have begun ordering the drink by the case in the hope that it will increase their chances of winning The Frownlow Medal or entering The Frownlow Medal Hall of Fame.

The Frownlow Medal is awarded to the player whose off-field demeanour epitomises the values of the modern-day footballer and draws attention to the status of footballers as role models to young Australians. It covers Australia’s four major football codes; the National Rugby League (NRL), Australian Football League (AFL), the A-League (Football) and Rugby Union’s Super Rugby competition. NRL player Shaun Kenny-Dowall won the inaugural medal in 2015, while AFL player Elijah Taylor is the most recent recipient.

The Frownlow Medal Hall of Fame honours former players and players who received media attention in previous seasons, for similarly scandalous behaviour, and its inductees include Ben Cousins and Julian O’Neill.

Along with the usual electrolytes, glucose and potassium found in conventional sports drinks, Legalade contains traces of illicit drugs and a 15% alcohol content to get the party started. It is premixed with energy drinks for automatic preloading and is engineered to pass through police detection systems at music festivals and nightspots. Furthermore, every bottle carries contact details of lawyers and a list of image consultants trained to repair a footballer’s personal brand after a public scandal.

Legalade is the perfect drink for footballers who need to urinate into their own mouths or onto a police car, or who yearn to slap a taxi driver, simulate sex with a dog or send unwanted nude pics to innocent women. It inspires racist, sexist and homophobic social media rants and is the perfect preparation for players on their way to face their code’s integrity unit. One sip and all your problems will disappear.

Legalade is not to be confused with Legal Aid. Legal Aid is an organisation in NSW providing legal services to socially and economically disadvantaged people throughout the state. Legalade, meanwhile, is a revolutionary new sports drink.

Legalade marks a watershed for professional footballers striving to win the ultimate prize in Australian sport, and is available for purchase at bottle shops throughout the country.

Image: NuNa

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