Football codes purchase sex dolls for players.

No one has ever been arrested for raping a sex doll, so major football codes in Australia have purchased a large quantity of the dolls to keep their players out of off-field scandals.

The directors of the various governing bodies will provide the dolls for post-game celebrations in order to prevent any more of their players from being charged with sexual harassment, indecent behaviour and sexual assault, offences which have seen many players nominated for The Frownlow Medal.

The Frownlow Medal is awarded to the player whose off-field demeanour epitomises the values of the modern-day footballer and draws attention to the status of footballers as role models to young Australians. It covers Australia’s four major football codes; the National Rugby League (NRL), Australian Football League (AFL), the A-League (Football) and Rugby Union’s Super Rugby competition. NRL player Shaun Kenny-Dowall won the inaugural medal in 2015, while NRL player Ben Barba is the most recent recipient.

The Frownlow Medal Hall of Fame honours former players and players who received media attention in previous seasons, for similarly scandalous behaviour, and its inductees include Ben Cousins and Julian O’Neill.

“Many footballers struggle in their interactions with women,” stated a spokesperson for the major football codes.

“Despite being fully-grown adults who have sat through countless educational sessions on the appropriate way to interact with women in many different contexts, they consistently involve themselves in incidents which see women mistreated, sometimes severely. Of course, the women often complain and this creates negative publicity for the code and problems for the welfare of the player.”

“Sex dolls are the perfect solution for a number of reasons,” the spokesperson elaborated.

“They don’t get pregnant, so you don’t have to hire someone to threaten or bribe them if you don’t want to raise your unborn child, or force the women to have an abortion.”

“You also don’t have to pay child support.”

“You don’t have to ply them with alcohol or drugs to get them to do what you want, and you can film yourself and release the video on social media because they won’t complain. We will also supply enough dolls to allow players to conduct group bonding sessions with their teammates.”

“Also, you don’t have to worry about them being underage or still at school”

“Most importantly, sex dolls will never speak up or take you to court. In this way, we can continue to promote footballers as great role models to children.”

The move was inspired by FC Seoul, a football club in South Korea, which attracted international attention for dressing up sex dolls as fans and placing them in an empty stadium during the coronavirus restrictions. Football organisations in Australia have for years been searching for ways to fill their stadiums, and leapt at the chance to kill two birds with one stone.

Reports also indicate that the sex dolls in Seoul were holding up signs advertising x-rated websites, but this is not a practice the Australian governing bodies would permit.

“Never, that is completely unacceptable,” stated the spokesperson.

“Pornography can become an addiction which can cause people to lose their money and their jobs, as well as their friends. It can leave children with no food to eat and can tear families apart. In Australia, the dolls would instead be advertising sports gambling companies.”

Incidents of violence against women involving players have become a common problem for Australia’s major football codes, and have seen many players nominated for The Frownlow Medal. Two NRL players who have played at the highest level of the game are still awaiting trial for alleged sexual assault, and The Frownlow Medal Hall of Fame is full of players who have earned induction for mistreating women.

Now that players will be supplied with sex dolls, governing bodies expect no more uncomfortable headlines or lengthy court cases.

Image: NuNa

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