Alan Jones to mentor nominees of The Frownlow Medal.

Sydney radio host Alan Jones will mentor nominees of The Frownlow Medal following a career inciting division and making inflammatory comments. The focus of the role will be to advise young players how to commit scandalous off-field acts which will increase their chances of winning the most prestigious award in Australian sport.

The Frownlow Medal is awarded to the player whose off-field demeanour epitomises the values of the modern-day footballer and draws attention to the status of footballers as role models to young Australians. It covers Australia’s four major football codes; the National Rugby League (NRL), Australian Football League (AFL), the A-League (Football) and Rugby Union’s Super Rugby competition. NRL player Shaun Kenny-Dowall won the inaugural medal in 2015 and code-swapper Karmichael Hunt was the most recent recipient.

The Frownlow Medal Hall of Fame honours former players and players who received media attention in previous seasons, for similarly scandalous behaviour, and its inductees include Ben Cousins and Julian O’Neill.

The appointment comes after Jones publicly called on the Prime Minister of Australia, Scott Morrison, to shove a sock down the throat of his New Zealand counterpart, Jacinda Ardern.

“We’ve had our eye on Alan for some time,” explained a spokesperson for the judges of The Frownlow Medal.

“His latest comments confirmed that he is the perfect person to advise young footballers on how to create the kind of off-field scandal which could win them The Frownlow Medal, and he will work with players in the different areas.”

English teaching

Jones taught English at high school in Australia and is thus well-placed to teach footballers the importance of choosing their words carefully. For example, the comment “put a sock in it!” is a humorous Aussie way of telling someone to be quiet, but any English Teacher can tell you that the phrase “shove a sock down her throat” is a clear threat of violence against a woman which could essentially result in her death.

“One reason that Alan will be such a valuable mentor to footballers is that players may actually be required to commit murder in the future in order to win the Frownlow, considering the fact that two of the favourites this year are still being investigated for sexual assault of women and numerous players were kicked out of their respective sports for violence against women. The competition gets tougher every year.”

Your last, last chance.

Jones will also teach players what it means to be on their last chance or their final warning, only to be given another final warning and another last chance when they become involved in yet another scandal.

Free speech

The popular shock jock will explain the concept of free speech, especially when it can provide a defence for hateful homophobic comments on social media, or to defend the actions of any Christian, even one who has been found guilty of molesting children.

How to get off

No, not get off in that way. Footballers are already well versed in the myriad forms of getting off in their free time. Alan’s expertise is in how to get away with actions which would result in severe punishment for mere mortals.

The former Wallabies and Balmain Tigers coach has been accused of defamation many, many times during his career, but remains one of the most popular and highly paid radio hosts in the country. That kind of legal representation will come in very handy for many Frownlow nominees.

Jones will take up the role immediately, and nominated himself as MC for The Frownlow Medal awards night to be held later in the year.

Image: NuNa

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