Rugby League tragic and Prime Minister of Australia Scott Morrison has announced a multi-million dollar program to assign every Australian-based male footballer with a ‘Syber Sitter’.
The tax-payer funded initiative will supply a chaperone to players from Australia’s major football codes to prevent them from creating more social media scandals.
“We must protect the welfare of our national heroes,” stated the PM.
“These fair dinkum role models should be free to engage in illicit drug taking, bestiality, homophobic rants, misogynistic behaviour and public indecency without having to justify their behaviour once it is filmed and leaked online.”
Cronulla Sharks fan Morrison launched the initiative during a visit to Fiji. After creating his own cringe-worthy media moment, the Prime Minister outlined details of the plan.
“This is a fair dinkum world first,” he boasted.
“Every first-grade male footballer, from Rugby League, Rugby Union, AFL and Football will be assigned a former Kindergarten teacher to oversee every action they take on social media, on both their own accounts and the accounts of others. The Syber Sitter will edit, delete, filter and generally manage everything the players do on the internet to ensure that the public does not see anything that our role models do off the field.”
“I’ve also offered every Syber Sitter the services of the Department of Prime Minister and Cabinet, who will oversee the photoshopping and altering of images.”
The move comes after recent social media scandals involving NRL players Dylan Napa and Corey Norman, and Rugby Union player Kurtley Beale, as well as countless other footballers who have been nominated for The Frownlow Medal. It also follows the decision of the North Queensland Cowboys Rugby League club to assign chaperones to its players, in the real world, after Scott Bolton recently pleaded guilty to common assault of a woman.
The Syber Sitter program will be rolled-out immediately and will utilise funds that would otherwise have been spent on up-grading public schools throughout the country and promoting healthy living among young Australians.
When it was pointed out to the Prime Minister that the title of the program contains a spelling error, he replied that this was deliberate and in keeping with the demographic that the program is designed to protect, before adding;
“The Syber Sitter program will also, finally, put an end to that unpatriotic, treasonous, flippant award called The Frownlow Medal, which does nothing but attack Fair Dinkum Aussie heroes.”