Hey kids, it’s that time of year again, Halloween. For most of you that means one thing, trick or treat!
This year, the good folk at The Frownlow Medal have prepared a series of tips that are guaranteed to earn you a truck load of goodies from your neighbours.
The Frownlow Medal is awarded to the player whose off-field demeanour epitomises the values of the modern-day footballer and draws attention to the status of footballers as role models to young Australians. It covers Australia’s four major football codes; the National Rugby League (NRL), Australian Football League (AFL), the A-League (Football) and Rugby Union’s Super Rugby competition. Kiwi international Shaun Kenny-Dowall won the inaugural medal in 2015, while Karmichael Hunt is the most recent recipient.
The Frownlow Medal Hall of Fame honours former players and players who received media attention in previous seasons, for similarly scandalous behaviour, and its inductees include Ben Cousins and Julian O’Neill.
The Frownlow Medal Guide to Trick or Treating:
If you want to score a treat from every single house that you visit, summon the spirit of your footballing heroes and threaten to do one of the following things on or near the property:
- Drink their alcohol
- Get drunk
- Vomit on their house
- Urinate on their house
- Urinate into your own mouth
- Poo in their shoes
- Perform a sex act with their dog
- Take illicit drugs
- Deal illicit drugs
- Steal two of their laptops
- Forge a signature on the deeds to their house
- Make a racist slur
- Tell their gay son he’s going to hell
- Assault them
- Assault the husband while the mother and child are locked, terrified, in the bathroom.
- Take the family car. Drive the car while drunk, without a licence. Exceed the speed limit. Text while driving. Crash the car. Get arrested. Use the car to stage a drive-by shooting of their house.
- Stalk the residents
- Film a sex tape at their house
- Strip naked and sing Karaoke
- Invite over your friends, who are also known criminals
- Invite over your cell mate
- Brawl with your own teammates
- Call a taxi (or Uber) then refuse to pay the fare, smash the taxi, assault the driver and run away.
- Make an inappropriate pass at the man’s wife
- Jump on the family car and smash it
- Punch a hole in their wall
- Convert the house into a gambling den, where you bet on your own football games
- Impregnate the daughter then refuse to raise the child. Pay a man to pressure the girl to stay quiet.
- Attempt to set fire to their 13-year-old son
- Ask the family to house the exotic animals that you smuggled into the country illegally
- Have an affair with the man’s wife
- Bite the man on the penis
- Threaten to stab the owners in the eyes with chopsticks
- Pelt their car with eggs
- Send the family offensive texts
- Make sure all the above actions are captured on film and uploaded to social media
Finally, if none of that works, call Ben Cousins.